Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.

Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…

Nope, no thank you.