Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
You Might Also Like
Day 2 of my diet
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.