Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
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Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
The three genders.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.