Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
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“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
every single time
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.