THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
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waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…