Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

I love wikipedia

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

For real 🤣

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?