Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
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How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.