THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
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Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?