Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
You Might Also Like
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
This is so me 😂😂
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Can’t, holding a grudge
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never