Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
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A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Britain be like
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
cats when you pet them too long:
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going