Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

Sunday

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

there’s probably a fee though

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill