therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
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ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
There is no “we” in pizza
phew
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
lmao😭🤣
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”