Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

I wish this was real life…

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god