Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

Just me and my debit card against the world

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!