Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

oh good, now I can stop drinking

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*