Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”