therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
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You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.