Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.