THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
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GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”