THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
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Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy