@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

- @ArfMeasures

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@Douchekevin

A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.

@Rollinintheseat

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

@niccolethurman

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

@Prof_Peejay

Students, unfollow me now. Tonight’s drunk subtweets might sting a little.

Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

@daemonic3

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

@Nickadoo

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

@isabelzawtun

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

@TheSharona06

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles