Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

ㅤ

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?