Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know