Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
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My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Canada has crack?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]