Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

Orange cat behavior 😂

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

Well, this certainly took a turn

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork