Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

#Caturday

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

Morning my dudes.

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”