Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
My time has come.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
Couple goals
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it