Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
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“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.