Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
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My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
#titanic
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate