Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
You Might Also Like
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
seriously you guys
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠