Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
You Might Also Like
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong