Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
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Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
North and South
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
#CoronaOutbreak
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?