Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
You Might Also Like
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag