Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.