Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

Twitter is an abusement park.

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]