Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
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It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.