Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red