Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.