therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
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Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months