therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
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It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.