Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.