Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

I occasionally drink every single night.

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*