Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
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Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”