Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
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got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire