Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
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I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
What if all the cashiers are married?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
A friend helps you before you need it
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions