[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
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Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Every work meeting this week
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did