Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

mom had nothing to worry about

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.