Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”

– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

Sheep

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever