therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
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Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
i think both sides are to blame here
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!