Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
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3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.