@onion_an

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

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@bossy_bootz

Me in my 20’s:
oh cool there’s an after party

Me in my 40’s:
oh cool this cardigan has pockets

@TJ_Whitehead

By my calculations, I’ve spent approximately $39 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen table

@TrainedHedonist

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

@michel_lesann

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

@climaxximus

my crush: do you wanna go out?

me: haha sure

CDC: [rips off hot girl mask] WRONG ANSWER

@TomItUp

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

@offbeatoliv

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

@Nikkeya08

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

@bitterlittleman

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too