Me in my 20’s:
oh cool there’s an after party
Me in my 40’s:
oh cool this cardigan has pockets
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
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By my calculations, I’ve spent approximately $39 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen table
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
my crush: do you wanna go out?
me: haha sure
CDC: [rips off hot girl mask] WRONG ANSWER
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too