Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
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My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Does your wife know you’re single?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart