Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?