Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

I like crazy people until they notice me

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

awkward

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.