THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
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Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume