THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
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“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Meme Monday.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
cry laughing at this shit
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.