Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
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On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”
My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”