Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…

Send help!

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*