Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
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Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Everything reminds me of my ex
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident