Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

Had an epiphany today.

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

Voting is the worst group project

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.