THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
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ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
new shirt idea
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Happy weekend !
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice