Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.