@captainkalvis

therapist: what’s your biggest fear

me: ghost chameleons bc they have

therapist: [gasps] double invisibility

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@TedOfficialPage

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

@BrdnHatesYou

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

@GibJimson

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

@SondraDeeMe

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

@mom_tho

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

@bingowings14

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

@aplethoras

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god