Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*