Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.