Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.