Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
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You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
My purse is deeper than some people.