Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
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This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
what’s really going on
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Which wines pair best with gloating?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked