Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

Huge, if true.

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet