Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)