Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.