Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

Me too

My dog learned how to text

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.

me: omg goth bath bombs

santa: that’s charcoal

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.

“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.