Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*