@Browtweaten

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

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@cravin4

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

@turtledumplin

Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn’t you know you were taking the picture?

@HonestToddler

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

@daemonic3

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

@jon_snow_420

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

@not_delicate

Do something that scares you every single day.
And you’ll probably die of a heart attack in a week.

*inspirational

@sexncake

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

@lazerdoov

If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot

@HappyHijabbi

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?