therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
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I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.