@djdarrellripley
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
@Browtweaten
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
You Might Also Like
@djdarrellripley
@cravin4
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
@turtledumplin
Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn’t you know you were taking the picture?
@HonestToddler
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
@daemonic3
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
@jon_snow_420
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
@not_delicate
Do something that scares you every single day.
And you’ll probably die of a heart attack in a week.*inspirational
@sexncake
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
@lazerdoov
If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot
@HappyHijabbi
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?