therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
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Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
the last thing a carrot sees
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?